5 Phrases to Banish from Your Co-Parenting Vocabulary Today

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If you're like most parents, you want what's best for your children. This means that co-parenting can be a challenge, but it's also an opportunity to set a good example for your kids. Communication is key to successful co-parenting, but sometimes it can be tough to find the right words. In this blog post, we will discuss 5 phrases that you should avoid in order to improve communication with your ex and model great life skills for your children.

#1 - "My children..."

This phrase is a surefire way to start an argument with your ex. It's important to remember that you are both parents and assuming there isn't a court order stating otherwise, you share equal responsibility for your children. When you use this phrase, it sounds like you are claiming ownership of the kids and trying to exclude your ex from the parenting equation. Instead, try saying "our children" or "the kids." Nothing about your break-up or divorce ended either relationship they have with their parents, so make sure your language to each other makes it clear they always have two parents.

Be careful about this when writing things to your ex, also. For example, as a Guardian ad Litem, I am provided thousands of pages of emails and text messages between co-parents every year. My eye is naturally drawn to examples where one parent continually uses this phrase in their communications. I tend to try to figure out the context and discern whether the parent was being intentionally antagonistic or if they genuinely think of themselves as the only parent of the children. Neither conclusion is a "good" conclusion you want the family court to believe about you as a parent. If a GAL sees these things as neon signs in a case, you can bet that many family court judges do the same.

#2 - "Your visitation time..."

This is another phrase that can quickly escalate the emotional factors of any communication and will eventually lead to an argument. It's important to remember that court-ordered or agreed-upon visitation is not a punishment for the non-custodial parent. It's simply time that the children get to spend with their other parent to further their relationships. When you use this phrase, it sounds like you begrudge your ex their time with the kids and see it as an inconvenience for you, the children, or both. Instead, try saying "your parenting time" or "the time you have with the kids." This small change in wording can make a big difference in how your ex perceives your attitude towards them and co-parenting in general.

It's also important to avoid using this phrase when communicating with your children. For example, don't say things like "Mommy/Daddy's visitation time is almost over, so you need to go get your things." This will only serve to confuse the children and make them feel like they are being torn between two homes. Instead, try something like "It's almost time for you to go spend some time with Mommy/Daddy." This is a much more positive way to approach the situation and will help the children feel more comfortable with the idea of spending time away from you.

There has been a growing trend in family courts across the nation to re-write their "standard" parenting schedules to refer to blocks of time as "parenting time" versus "visitation periods" to help with the re-education of society on healthy terminology for divorced families. While it's certainly difficult to change old (or bad) habits, this is one we should all get on board with, especially given the research which supports this as a healthy move for children.

#3 - "I will (or will not) allow you..."

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard a primary-parent use this phrase with a secondary-coparent, I'd be retiring at a very luxurious mountain cabin already. When you use words like "allow" or "won't allow", there's literally no way it won't sound like you are trying to control the other parent, the situation, and ultimately, it will make your ex feel like they are not being trusted to parent their own children. Regardless of your level of trust in the other parent, using this type of phrasing will certainly raise a few eyebrows in any family court litigation.

Instead of using this phrase, try saying "I would prefer if you..." This gives you the same level of control over the situation without sounding so demanding or overbearing. It's important to remember that you are not in charge of your ex (unless there is a court order stating otherwise, which is very rare). You cannot tell them what they can or cannot do when it comes to parenting their own children. If you find yourself consistently having problems with your ex making decisions about the children that you disagree with or that you feel are not meeting the needs of the children, it may be time to seek the help of a professional, such as a parenting coordinator or family therapist or even your lawyer.

In short, avoid using phrases like "I will/won't allow you" at all costs. It will only serve to make the situation more difficult and could potentially result in serious consequences in court.

#4 - "This is exactly why we aren't together anymore..."

This is a phrase that should be avoided at all costs.

It's hurtful, it's unnecessary, and it does nothing to improve the situation. If you find yourself wanting to say this to your ex, take a step back and ask yourself why. What is the purpose of saying something like this? Is it to hurt them? To make them feel bad? To make yourself feel better? There is absolutely no reason why you should ever say something like this to your ex (or anyone else for that matter). Not only will it not achieve anything, but it will also just make the situation more difficult and could potentially damage your relationship with your children.

If you are feeling frustrated with your ex or the situation, try talking to a friend or family member, or even a therapist. Venting to someone who can offer you support and understanding can be incredibly helpful when you're feeling overwhelmed.

#5 - "If you pay me $X, then you can see the child."

This is another phrase that should be considered one of the most awful things you could possibly say. Besides the fact that It's manipulative and hurtful to the other parent and to the child, it's just plain wrong. When family courts decide on how parents should share their time with the children of a relationship, they do so without regard of the ability to "pay" child support. Child support is almost always a separate issue entirely and the court understands that they cannot tie encouraging a healthy parent-child relationship to the payment of support that may or not be something a parent can always do timely.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are considering using such a phrase with your co-parent, STOP and ask yourself why. Are you trying to control the other parent? Are you trying to get revenge for some reason? Are you trying to get more money out of them? Despite any answer you may offer, there is zero justification for using this phrase, and besides damaging your chances of remaining the primary parent for your children, if the child hears you say this, it will only serve to damage your relationship with him or her.

If you are having financial difficulties or are struggling to make ends meet, there are other ways to approach the situation. You can talk to your lawyer or a financial planner about how to best handle the situation. Follow their advice, but be sure to keep all financial discussions absolutely separate from any involving parenting time schedules.

Final Thoughts

The bottom line is that communication is key, both in your relationship with your co-parent and in your relationship with your children. Avoid using hurtful or manipulative language, and try to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. If you find yourself struggling to communicate effectively, seek out the help of a professional who can assist you in learning how to better express yourself. With a little effort, you can improve your co-parenting relationship and create a more positive environment for everyone involved.

I hope this article was helpful for you. If you have any questions or would like to share your own experiences, please feel free to share your messages with me here or on social media. And if you found this article helpful, please consider sharing it with your network, too.